The Fifth Commandment

"Honor your father and mother, so that you may live in the land the Lord your God is giving you." Exodus 20:12

Our church just recently finished up a series on the Ten Commandments and our pastors did a fantastic job making each Commandment applicable to our lives today.  Going into this series, I knew the one I would struggle with the most was Commandment number five.  Please understand that I love my parents deeply but my mom & I have a rocky relationship.  

Right about the time that the sermon series on the Ten Commandments began, my mom & I had a falling out.  This in itself is not unusual...one can never tell what will set her off. The only difference is that the falling outs have gotten worse in the last few years.  My mother is ill. Mentally.  I am not being sarcastic when I say that.  She is bipolar as both her brother and father were.  This problem is compounded by the fact that she refuses to get medical help and that she uses her illness as an excuse to act worse than she really is.  She reads things into situations that aren't really there, hears words that aren't spoken and puts her own twist on nearly everything.  Our largest problem is that she has an unexplained loathing for my stepdaughters.  She imagines that I treat them better and love them more than my own two children and she resents them for that.  Mind you, she lives three hours away and has only seen us all together as a family maybe 8 times in the last 7+ years so how she has come to this conclusion I have no clue.  

We had a horrible falling out over the 4th of July last year where she said some horrible things about my youngest stepdaughter.  It was bad enough that my husband & I packed our kids up at 1am and  made the three hour drive home.  We did not speak for a month and then gradually started speaking but mostly it was her calling me to yell at me (not only at home, but she would call me at work as well).  She accused me of picking my stepdaughters over her but admitted that she was trying to force me to choose.  I explained that she would not like my choice.  The Bible tells us to cleave to our spouse and my stepdaughters are part of the deal.  I love them like they were my own kids.  Our relationship was strained for months and in December she told me that she had written me a long letter that I would not like because it told me what an ungrateful and bad daughter I was.  Shortly after that, I nearly died from meningitis and that seemed to completely change things.  Mom acted as if that strife had never happened and things went back to normal.

Of course...that never lasts.  She got angry recently because she tried to tell me what to do with my kids in a certain situation.  This is pretty commonplace for her.  She feels that she has the right to tell me what to do.  I don't mind her sharing her opinion on what to do, but she cannot tell me how to raise my own kids.  I told her that and it degenerated from there.  She was calling me names and telling me that I never loved her....and so on and so forth.  I did my best to keep my temper.  I continually try to act the way God would want me to but it is so very difficult in light of the things she says and does.  Shortly after this conversation ended, she called me back to tell me that my Dad had overheard and didn't agree with her so he left for work early.  She said that they were getting a divorce and it was all my fault so she hoped I was happy.  See....another reoccurring theme in our lives is how my mom is convinced that my dad & I always side against her and love each other more than we love her.  I've heard this from about age 10.  My Dad & I are very close, but the problem is that we are both pretty logical while she is very unreasonable.  This is why it appears that we are taking sides against her.

A week or two goes by and then she starts to act as if nothing had ever happened again.  Even though she said horrible things and then went two weeks without speaking to me, it was back to the status quo.  In the meantime, during the two week period, some big news came up that I shared with my Dad.  Since Mom wasn't speaking to me, I didn't talk to her about it.  I also assumed she would hear from a different source because she usually does.  By the time she started speaking to me again, it was old news and it didn't cross my mind to share it.  Yesterday in a phone conversation with my Dad, the subject was brought up and she realized that we both knew and didn't tell her.  Here we go again.....

Dad called to warn me but I didn't hear from her.  She ended up calling after 9 last night and I just wasn't ready to deal with it emotionally so I let it go to voicemail.  She of course left a harsh message about how she is excluded from this family and how furious she is.  After that, she called my daughter's cell phone repeatedly.  My kids are in bed by 8:30 on a school night and it bothers me that she was trying to bring my baby girl into this.  I need to call her today but man, I have no idea how to handle this situation.  God made it clear that we are to honor our parents but how do I honor her without allowing her to treat me poorly or run my life?  

"God states no qualifier.  He does not tell us to honor them only if they are honorable.  Simply because they are our parents, we must treat them with respect.......Granted, honoring parents can be difficult if Father is a drunk or Mother is a lying thief.  Their actions may sometimes be dishonorable, but because they are Dad and Mom, they are to be respected.  The Commandment has no loopholes."  From Bible Tools 

I'm sorry this vent is so very long but it has been on my heart and mind since her call yesterday.  If anyone out there does read this....please pray for wisdom and discernment for me so that I may say the right words and respond correctly.  Please pray for peace for my Mom.

Thanks!